He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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