Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Apparently you make a good broom.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
