Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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