Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
