Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
