im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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