I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
