I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She told me I should be a condom model.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
