I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
