the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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