I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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