So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
