So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
