just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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