i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
