worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
