she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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