you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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