We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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