You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
