Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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