I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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