apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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