she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
