Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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