my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
