he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
