never play flip cup with pint glasses
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
