in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
