she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
