You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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