i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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