her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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