I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
