I wanna passion pit in your ass
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
