well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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