and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
