I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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