we're chasing vodka with high fives
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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