Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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