Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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