It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
