What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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