i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
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