I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
