Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
