I think my fart just growled at me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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