It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I checked into jail on foursquare
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
