Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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