You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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