Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Threesome in a minivan. New low
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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