is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
