My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
