i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
