its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize