Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
