Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
